I can talk about everything without batting an eyelash.. What they both did and how much it hurt.. I can mention one or the other in conversation and barely feel anything.. But as soon as I see a picture.. A reminder of them while I’m not prepared.. When I’m weak and unguarded.. It hits home.. Every. Time. Friends are done hearing about it.. My boyfriend hates it if I bring it up.. I turn inward and I feel nothing but jagged edges that I don’t have the courage to fix.. So I cover it all with a blanket, dust off my hands, and turn away.. I don’t want to be that scared, broken little girl.. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of it.. But the truth of the matter is that what happened will never let me go.. I can grow around it.. But there will always be a lump.. A hard spot.. I feel so guilty for talking about it all again and again.. It’s not anyone else’s burden to bear.. The reality is that it’s not that big of a deal.. Just a speed bump that for some reason I react terribly to..
I don’t actually have all my thoughts in a line right now.. I’m rather stressed out and have no other outlet at this moment.. I’m moving forward.. And trying not to look back..